Emotional pain totally builds up sometimes. Like we are talking twenty year build ups. For us that are feelers and not thinkers? That can put us in a real pickle because when things hurt, they really hurt and they can make us miserable for a long time. All that pain builds up and it suddenly becomes physical. All of a sudden you’re 22 and dealing with costochondritis and you’re doctor tests you for autoimmune diseases and it just won’t go away.
In that moment what do you do? Do you throw in the towel? Do you accept the cortisone shots every few months or so? Do you completely give up exercise and anything that used to bring you joy? You could. Or you get to the bottom of it.
I’ve been a pile of pain, tears, and sadness the last few weeks as I’ve tried to figure out what I’ve been doing wrong. Today I hit the last straw and was suuuuuper upset. Lindsey told me to go to the temple or take myself out for ice cream but I was stuck at work for like 6 more hours. What the heck was I supposed to do to process my emotions? And she suggested journaling. I opened up my Google Docs journal and started writing. And I processed emotions that I’ve held on to for SO long. I realized SO many things. And at the end I was crying happy tears because it was all out.
Every feeling and emotion that I couldn’t interpret finally had meaning. I dusted off some of the pieces of my life that I would bury when they popped back up in my mind and finally sat and felt all the feelings. Cried all the tears. Processed the emotions. And at the end I came to one conclusion:
I never learned how to love myself.
Obviously I liked myself. I was proud of my accomplishments. Thought I was good looking. But I never learned to pick myself back up after I did something wrong and say, “Hey it’s all good. You are still fantastic and have the same value you did before. And that’s a LOTTA value.”
So now, I’m setting out on a journey. A journey of self-LOVE and not self-like or self-appreciation. I will let my body feel everything that it needs to feel. I’ll learn to say no. I’ll learn to be honest with my feelings and say exactly what I want to say when I want to say it. I’ll eat ice cream on the weekends and always stay grateful.
But you know what the best part is? I can already feel the pain in my ribs melting away.